Failure

The voice of my demon is loud and it only gets worse. My failure burns and there is no excuse. Flaring Grin, Yuki, and Zhizu needed me and I could not help them. My shadow laughs because he knows this already. He has been telling me for a long time.

The stranger, Blood Red Thorn, steps in to save the Uji, keeping the Thousand Ri Scouts legitimate. I’m still a spare. The dark voice rasps in my head that perhaps the Scouts do not need five. Four has been enough, four have accomplished much. What need to they have for five?

Plugging my ears does not mute my own hateful voice. I devote myself utterly to my training, forcing myself to stay awake with the sun so that I can read just one more line from the Ki Chaun. A minute at a time I fight the irresistible lure of sleep. One more passage, one more kata.

I go to the dojo every day and train. I have been introduced to iaido, and the sudden movement appeals to me. It is like the pounce of a cat, of the sudden dive of a bird, the crack of lightning that is gone before you hear it. I push myself, attempting katas harder than I have tried before, trying to make myself worthy.

I drown myself in flesh. Seven Beasts-san holds me to her sweaty breast afterwards, stroking my hair. She purrs, deeply satisfied, but she knows that I am not. She tells me that not every hunt is successful and sometimes the tiger starves.

I don’t want to understand her, but I do. Failure is inevitable. But the tiger is the most dangerous when hungry.

My shame is deep. I know that the Thousand Ri Scouts will be hunting the kumo Spins the Night. I know they will succeed.

Blood Red Thorn can do what I can not have. Doubtless it is his fighting skills that will make victory possible. Fighting skills that I do not have. He is a Devil Tiger, and even now I can still hear the echo of the Howl. Is the Dance of the Thrashing Dragon a mistake? Would I have been able to help, had I plunged myself into a hell of my own making and thus become a self-made Lord of Yomi? With that power, the Fire and Water test would be easy, a kumo hardly an obstacle.

My inner darkness leaves no wound to heal, tearing open every shame and pouring in poison.

My rage is much like Yuki’s, swift and unexpected. I surprise myself. When the futon is torn apart, the shoji ripped, the screens shattered, the flower arrangement hatefully scattered the only sound is the laughter within. How proud Flaring Grin would be of me!

I need peace, I need to analyze this. There are facts that I cannot deny, that my demon-self cannot deny, if only I can find them.

But what good will a scientist do? Yuki is all they need. Dazzlingly intelligent and far more enlightened. The voice leaves me no wall to put my back to, no rock to cling to.

I doubt. And that is all the Shadow needs.