The First Step

When you think of the search for enlightenment you imagine shaven headed monks on mountaintop temples. Roaring waterfalls, chanting, gongs, that sort of thing. You don’t think of a flesh-eating dead man.

Enlightenment is hard even for those monks who dedicate their whole life to its pursuit in those far away and mysterious temples. How much more so for that poor ragged soul chewing on human remains?

Tonight brings me new visitors. I am pleased to meet the entirety of the Thousand Ri Scouts in a simple room. The tatami and shoji are plain, but clean. The books I have been reading are stacked along one wall and a laptop sits on a writing table. Ah, how wonderful that these ancient texts can be scanned onto a computer! I bow low to the Uji, but my back is straight with pride. This is the room of a civilized person, not a dungeon where an untamed and dangerous beast is kept.

I smile to Zhizu and Keeper of Forgotten Temples. My regrets that I have nothing to offer them are sincere. I do not even have tea to offer my guests. But of course they understand my position. They once sat in my place, having no control over their life because all of their effort was needed to control their own soul.

Keeper-san makes the introductions. Flaring Grin suits his namesake, for he’s been grinning since he walked into the room and probably since before then as well. He moves easily, casually, possibly even recklessly, but he exudes such warmth and confidence that anyone would forgive his swagger. He dresses in slacks and a jacket, but for some reason chooses not to wear a shirt. I’m sure I’ll have time to understand later.

The second of my new visitors is Unveiled Mirror Shard. Unlike the names of the rest of the Uji, hers is a riddle. What can I tell about her from such a name? She is a broken mirror? Perhaps that she does not reflect things as they are? Isn’t a riddle a shattered reflection of knowledge that must be reassembled into wisdom? Perhaps. Why is she unveiled? She certainly seems veiled to me for she gives no hint of expression as she greets me other than the formalities. But I do catch her eyes taking in the piles of books and scrolls I have been lent.

With a grin, Keeper-san tells me that there is another guest in the room. He obviously enjoys my confusion, but quickly tells me that he speaks of the Nushi of the Scouts. I remember that they have the patronage of a wraith, just as House Yamabushi is guided and aided by Omi-sama. I concentrate and reach for the stillness inside of me. It takes more concentration to feel my Yin side, but it is there and it comes when I call and the Wall parts just enough for me to see the ghost kneeling in the center of the Uji. She’s a beautiful woman as well, which is fitting so far, since Zhizu-san and Unveiled Mirror Shard-san are both just as exquisite. She wears a formal kimono in black, and like Swallow’s Song, death seems to have taken the color from her hair. But where Swallow’s Song-san is fierce and vibrant, Fujiko-san is elegant.

I smile as another piece of my training is completed. The Uji teaches me of the great principal, finally revealing the last of the Fivefold Way. I could recite them in order or backwards, practically in my sleep, just like any gaki in the country.

It is interesting that Shard-san does most of the teaching. This is her first visit to me, yet clearly she is at home with studying and she is a good sensei. If she is so natural a teacher, why did she not come sooner? Why wasn’t she the first of the Scouts to teach me? I might have expected Grin-san with his easy manner to take the lead. Or perhaps Keeper-san, who seems to love to quote tradition. I feel almost as if Shard-san is testing me, gauging me. She asks her questions repeatedly, phrasing them differently as if to disguise them. Perhaps she means to test to see if I learned from her the first time. So I answer her questions and meet her with questions of my own.

I can feel my interest stirring for her. She’s one of the most petite women I have ever laid eyes on. She wouldn’t reach my shoulder were we both standing. But even though the lure of her body is dimmed by her frostiness, I find myself intellectually attracted. I find myself wondering if she plays go.

While I’m not attracted to Grin-san, I do feel drawn to him. He laughs as he tells me that he died of a heart attack. I’m not sure if I should laugh along with him, or try to be more composed. When I think of my own death, my own heart attack, I’m filled with regret. After ignoring a woman who loved me and a child that needed me I died far away from them and left them alone in the world. How can I ever laugh at that? Still, just being around Zhizu-san and Shard-san reminds me of the life that my body craves, the old desires that I pretty much failed to tend to even in life. Grin-san is a man who is at peace with his desires. I have a lot to learn from him.

We talk nearly until dawn, the Uji filing out with a last bow that I do not yet deserve. The shoji are beginning to pale with the dawn light, so I close the heavy shutters regretfully. I miss the sun.

Shard has left me with a riddle as well, though I am not quite sure why.

My sensei, Sweet Swallow’s Song brings me a new corpse. I was no Buddhist in life and I don’t consider myself one now, but who wouldn’t find the task of eating human flesh repugnant? At least I no longer tear at the meat with my bare teeth in the grip of my Shadow; I maintain Wind Soul now and at least I am given a knife to carve with.

This evening, as I do every night, I try to be more than a monster. I cut the body and drink the blood. But tonight I feel the rush of chi in the blood. It is cold and slow, heavy with Yin, but it is chi! For a moment I loose myself in the hunger and in the joy of feeding and I take my fill. When it is over I feel mixed pride and shame, for even as I have elevated myself above the need to eat raw flesh, I behaved like a beast. I ask to be excused to bathe and Swallow’s Song gives her consent with a smile.

When I return from the bath and pull on a fresh kimono, Swallow’s Song is waiting for me. She leads me out of the room I have been given and to the iron door of the Demon Court. Is she going to let me outside? Perhaps in proving that I am above eating flesh, I have earned the right to that freedom.

The door pulls open and she leads me outside. I had no idea that the court was so large. It’s more of a complex than building and the architecture is carefully mixed: modern buildings with ancient reminders and of course the peculiar lines and shapes that show that someone has carefully applied feng shui to the place. But Swallow’s Song is leading me purposefully somewhere.

The room she shows me to is not much larger than the bare place I left, but there is no mistaking one for the other. Everything is of better quality, and there is even a flower arrangement in the wall niche.

Swallow’s Song tells me that I will have new books to read soon and the ones I have been borrowing have been returned. She turns to leave, but I know that this will be my last chance. I ask Swallow’s Song to wait and she turns, smiling again. I am nervous, but flushed with success I take the plunge.

My obi unwinds and falls to the floor as I admit my desire. Her grin is knowing and almost predatory. Of course she knows, she has seen me rise as she worked on me, taming my demon. But why hasn’t she said or done anything? She neither encouraged nor discouraged my need. Reluctantly I give voice to my Shadow’s doubts.

The training comes first, she says. Anything between us save for the music and the torture would only give the demon leverage and get in the way of the rituals. Besides, and now she grins again and I am uncertain what I have gotten myself into, a Devil Tiger gives themselves completely to whatever they do with no room for distraction. When they fight, they fight with all their body and soul, when they teach, the task consumes everything, and when they make love…

It has been so long… several years spent in hell, and even in my living days I can’t remember the last time I had sex with Miko. I know that we’d slept together since Taka was born, but that’s all I could say. What a failure as a husband I was!

Swallow’s Song makes love to me for hours. No…that gives the wrong impression. She fucks me. There is no other way to say what we do that long summer night, hands caressing flesh and metal piercings. Anyone who ever says that you cannot rape the willing has never had sex with a Devil Tiger.

She leaves me sore and bleeding. She smiles and thanks me and I thank her in return. I know that I may see her at the court, but that this night is never going to be repeated. As my chi heals the scratches on my back I decide that I can accept that. Indeed, I learn a new lesson tonight. Never again will I be a distracted and distant lover. I will make love like a Devil Tiger, giving my every thought and breath to my partner.

Tonight I have taken chi from blood. When the sun sets tomorrow I will meet my new sensei’s and I will have to decide which path to follow.