Each night I feel more…well, not human. In fact I feel less human with each passing night, I am some new kind of animal now. But I also feel less a monster. Infrequent now are the times when the Shadow fills my mind and blots out reason, replacing it with lies and a cruel desire to hurt.
Terrible Thunder Talons works with me once a week, inflicting terrible injuries upon me. Once I would have been shocked to even think that a body could survive such damage, but that was before hell. Now I know how to manipulate my chi and close wounds that would fatal to a human. Splintered though my soul may be, what humans do naturally, I can do consciously, and to much greater effect.
There are advantages to this new state.
After several nights Swallow’s Song brings in a new visitor. Since no one but Swallow’s Song and Thunder Talons has reason to see me, I assume that it will be a member of the Thousand Ri Scouts, most likely Zhizhu. I am partially right.
Keeper of Forgotten Temples is a young man, though I know that is deceptive. Swallow’s Song appears no more than twenty-five, but I know her to be centuries old. He wears undistinguished clothes, attire that could belong to anyone, though his hair is long and gives me something to identify him by.
As I have been told, in order to serve my Uji, it’s members will participate in my training. Swallow’s Song tells me this is unusual, but so is the accelerated training I have been going through. The Court of the White River wants to round out the Scouts and as quickly as possible.
Keeper is quiet, but confident. His voice is even and has an almost ritual cadence as he speaks of the Great Principle. The Great Principle, or the Fivefold Way, is the base law by which all gaki abide, regardless of their philosophy. I get the feeling that Keeper of Forgotten Temples is a religious man, in part because of his name, and supported by the way he lovingly describes the ancient traditions of the gaki.
I listen to him closely, eager to learn.
The next night Keeper returns and Zhizhu is with him. My interest is kindled even further. Now I have met two of the Scouts, and they have come to teach me. When the others arrive there will be more to learn, and I will be another step closer to belonging to their Uji.
Together they lecture me on the Way of Obligation and the Way of Integrity, two more of the Great Principles. Obligation and Integrity are important virtues for the Japanese, but I feel them more keenly now. Duty is so much more…intense…when it is not just the obligation to be a good son to one’s parents, but also an obligation to stand against the yama kings and fight the runaway terrors of hell. Integrity is not just the concept of Face, but the ability to master your own inner darkness and act in accordance with the will of heaven.
Zhizhu and Keeper lecture me for several hours, and both of them allow me to question them. I want to know what they know so badly. I ask about their dharmas as well, because this question has been much on my mind. So soon after rising from death, the road back branches and there are five paths to choose from. I can only go so far before I must choose one of those paths, and I need to go forward.
My demon tells me the answer, the path that lies right before me. I can hear the enlightenment in the Howl of the Devil Tiger, but I am not sure yet if it is my karma to let out that cry myself.
Zhizhu stalks that road, as does my sensei. Already I have felt their doctrine change me. But Keeper tells me of the Path of a Thousand Whispers. A philosophy that teaches you to live and shed mortal lives, learning the wisdom that one failed to do in the first breath. There is so much I did not do. I was not a good husband to Miko. I was not a good father to Taka. I died before I could finish my work in the lab. I could be a husband again, and do it right. I could be a father once more, and this time not fail.
And there are a thousand more things that I never attempted or experienced that I could learn from. Even my Shadow-self is excited at the prospect of living in ways I never did when alive.
Which way is correct for me? What is my path? I doubt, and my Shadow seizes me. I listen to myself as I talk to Zhizhu and Keeper, questioning them, challenging them. My voice has lost all of its respectful tone. I listen as my voice describes the loving agony of the tigers and I feel my foot hover over the first step of that path.
But I see what my demon does not. Swallow’s Song is watching me and she knows my demon. Zhizhu continues to question me and Keeper peers at me so hard I am sure he can see into my soul.
Unable to wrest control of my voice back, I silently plead for them to stop me. Perhaps Zhizhu hears me, or perhaps she recognizes the demon since she is one herself. In minutes the kimono I have been given in rags around me, soaking up my dripping blood.
I can tell that the Iron Mountain discipline that Thunder Talons has been training me in is a barrier to her, I can see the perspiration on her face, but the agony breaks through. I am grateful for the pain that subdues the Shadow, but its small wicked voice reminds me that this is what I have been waiting for – Zhizhu’s burning touch.
Yes, I’ve been waiting. Three times now she’s come to me, and always Swallow’s Song asks her to use her skills. Always before she stayed her hand. Was it because she sees that I am not good enough? Am I unworthy to be in her Uji? Or just unworthy to touch…?
My demon whispers inside where I cannot close my ears to block it out. Isn’t the pain wonderful? Isn’t her sweet touch excruciatingly wonderful? I desire the pain. I get off on pain.
Despite the blood loss I feel the swift hardening of my member, an instant, aching strain. I almost beg for her to touch it, even the steely caress of a scalpel. I am sure she notices. Keeper and Swallow’s Song must see it as well, but no one comments, though I do not care. I am filled with need. The need for touch, the need for pain.
They leave me sprawled on the floor, my Wind Soul dominant once again. Slowly I draw myself into a kneeling position and bow, grateful for their aid.
Alone, just before dawn, the hot water of the bath washes away the blood and unknots muscle and I think about what happened. That I lost control is regrettable, but hardly disturbing. It is something that I will struggle with until I attain ultimate enlightenment or am destroyed. I am more interested in my body’s reaction to Zhizhu’s torture.
Is it true that pain excites me? Is the Howl truly my path? I lift my left hand from the water and take my forefinger in my right hand. With a sharp twist I snap bone. I blink at the sudden pain, but I have felt more during my nightmare memories of hell than this small hurt. But pain is all there is to it.
Such a small amount of pain though. I heal the finger, then break it again with no different result. I take a firm grip on my wrist and place my elbow over the lip of the tub. Blood spurts as the bone tears through flesh and my jaw clenches against greater pain. But still only pain.
I think back on Zhizhu’s torments, thinking that perhaps it was some special thing she did, the use of hot tools, or blunt trama and I feel the rush of blood to my loins again. I recall images of Sweet Swallow’s Song, her lips against my ear, telling me to choose the music not the pain while her hands wring screams from my flesh.
I feel a quiet rush steal through my soul and see my climax drift away through the water. But it was not the heady spike of orgasm, but the subtle burst that appears only occasionally. The same shining moment as when I first conquered the demon and took control and responsibility for the first time. A spiritual thing.
It wasn’t the pain. It was my body crying out for life. I have had two beautiful women as close to me as lovers. Yes, they were torturing me, but it was with every kindness. Both women hoping that they could help me master my darkness. My arousal was not because of the pain, but in spite of it. It was not pain, but intimacy.
Swallow’s Song is waiting for me when I dry and dress. I tell her that I would like to learn about the dharma’s that await me. It may be a short time before the Jina teachers can arrange to meet with me, but in the meantime she promises to bring me some books to read.
As I follow her back into the chamber where I am kept, I smile and enjoy the view.
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